


The Only Option

by GrumpyMoony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Break Up, Demi romantic, Drama, Español | Spanish, Getting Back Together, Honestly it's a mess, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Themes, Lack of Communication, Latino Character, M/M, Pregnancy, Secrets, Trans Character, Trust Issues, a-spec character, demi romantic!sirius, past break up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 22:36:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12567736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyMoony/pseuds/GrumpyMoony
Summary: 4 years after their break up, Sirius and Remus meet again, by accident. Sirius isn't sure if he wants to know more about Remus' secrets...





	The Only Option

**Author's Note:**

> I ACTUALLY FINISHED A FIC OMG
> 
> here is an angsty fic that I am actually super proud of.
> 
> trigger warning for mention of dysphoria/past abuse/transphobia, and an attack on people who eat pineapples on pizza.
> 
> special thanks to @nachodiablo and @i-named-my-cactus-albert for betaing, and to @myhamsterisademon for the spanish translations !
> 
> EDIT : So for some bullshit reason ao3 decided to delete huge parts of the fic and all the text that was in italics or bold. I fixed the problem. If you notice any missing word or if you feel like there is a passage missing, please, please let me know in the comments or message me on tumblr at @jk-destroyed-our-best-gay-ships

Sirius navigated through the crowded tables of the pub, while trying to balance the four drinks in his hands - and as anyone who has ever been in a pub a friday night can certify, it was a very difficult task.

 

“Oh, cheers mate !” Prongs grabbed his pint and grinned. Marlene immediately began to sip her pina colada, carefully avoiding Sirius’ eyes. They had fought a few hours ago and it seemed she was still a bit mad at him. Sirius tried to pretend he didn’t care.

 

“Um, Sirius?” Lily asked, with a irritated tone. “You got me the wrong thing. Can’t drink beer anymore, remember?” She grinned and pointed at her stomach, which was still flat but would soon be big enough to earn comments and praises from strangers on the streets. She made a gesture to stand up. “I’ll go and get a Coke, I think.”

 

“No, of course not! I’m the one who made a mistake, I’ll go and fix it.”

 

It was sometimes hard for him to remember Lily was pregnant. While he couldn’t be more excited about having a Mini Marauder, he always thought it would happen way later in their life. It was weird, feeling like they were all growing up.

 

Soon he was back in front of the counter, which seemed even more crowded than before. At least a dozen people were standing before him, and he had no intention of waiting that long. He spotted a less busy place at the very left of the bar, where another person was working. He barely had to wait 2 minutes - that he spent scrolling through dog memes - before it was his turn.

 

He raised his eyes from his phone and, suddenly, _froze_.

  


***

 

    James placed the warm tea mug in front of his friend and sat cross legged on the floor. Sirius, who was dramatically laying on his couch, ignored him.

 

    “So are you finally gonna tell me everything?”

 

    Sirius sighed. “There is nothing to say.”

 

    “Come on. You run out of the pub yesterday without saying anything to anyone, haven’t been answering our calls and your eyes look suspiciously red.” When Sirius didn’t answer, he insisted: “We’re _brothers_ , Padfoot. And you know what that means? That means that if you keep ignoring me _I'm telling mum_ !"

 

    Sirius eyes widened in fear. “Please no. She’ll blame it on me not eating enough vegetables or she’ll try to to kick someone’s ass. I am not ready for this.”

 

    “So?”

 

    He sighed. “There is nothing to say. I went to get Lily’s drink and it just so happened that the bartender was…” His casual tone dropped. He tried to open his mouth, but the name just wouldn’t come out.

 

    “Was it… someone from your biological family?”

 

    “What ? No. No, of course not. They live bloody miles away.”

 

    He took a breathe, staring at his mug. “It was Remus.”

 

    The name felt unfamiliar on his tongue. He hadn’t pronounced it in years, it had become some sort of taboo between him and his friends.

 

    “Oh.” James eloquently replied. “What was he doing there?”

 

    “I told you, he was working.”

 

    “I know that, but I thought… Didn’t you tell me he moved to another city?”

 

    He shrugged. “That’s what he wrote me.”

 

    “And… What did you do? When you saw him?”

 

    “I left.”

 

    “And you didn’t… say anything?”

 

    “I just left.”

 

    The two men stopped talking after this. There was nothing else to say. Prongs finished his tea, and then stood up.

 

    “Wanna have a sleepover at our place? I’m not leaving you alone right now, and we have pizza.”

 

    Sirius smiled, and though it didn’t quite reach his eyes, it lit up his face a bit. “Prongs, my dear, you always know what to say.”

 

***

 

    Marlene’s mouth still tasted a bit like the chocolate she had just eaten. Sirius’ hands were playing with her long hair, and hers were slowly tracing patterns on his chest. Somebody To Love was playing in the background, but neither of the two lovers were paying much attention to it. Sirius felt good. Sirius felt good, and then he remembered why he used to feel bad, and then he wasn’t feeling good anymore.

 

    He pulled away, not meeting Marlene’s glare. He felt pathetic, and he was sure she could see it. He apologized under his breath, burying his head in his arms. He expected her to just walk away - the girl wasn’t known for her patience - but instead she moved closer to him and started stroking his back with gentle motions.

 

    “Is there any way I can help you with that, love?” Her voice was soft and reassuring. “Do you need to talk about it ?”

 

    Sirius frowned. Marlene knew next to nothing about Remus - only that he and Sirius were once together, and that he saw him again on Friday. He wondered if she was curious about it.

 

    “I can’t really… There isn’t a lot to say on the matter. We were - in love, and we aren’t anymore.” With a frown, he realized that maybe that wasn’t so true. Had he ever stopped loving Remus, between the heartbreak of their separation and his many attempts to forget? Or did he hate him for everything that had happened? Sirius wished he knew where to find those answers.

 

    “But…” Marlene insisted. “In all honesty it really sounds more complex than that.” She sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m probably doing this all wrong. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

 

    He felt torn. On one hand, telling people about it - it felt impossible. It felt like baring his own heart open, like pouring salt on wounds. But he also knew that all of these trapped memories were aching, and that talking would give him some sort of relief.

 

   

 

    “What happened is, we didn’t break up. And it didn’t feel like we were about to break up either. But one day I came home and he was gone. He only left me a letter. I haven’t seen him since.”

 

    Marlene’s face fell visibly. “Sirius, I’m so sorry.”

 

    “You didn’t have anything to do with it, didn’t you? Really, I’m over it.” He definitely wasn’t, but that didn’t matter.

 

    “And it had been what, four years?” Sirius nodded. “Wow. No wonder you were hesitant about having another relationship.”

 

    He giggled. Marlene might not be perfect, but she could make you laugh even in the darkest times.

 

    “What’s even funnier is that…” He hesitated. “Man, he used to hate pubs. Said the crowds always gave him a headache.”

 

    He smiled at Marlene and added, “Sorry I’m not really in the mood to make out anymore, but fancy a cuddle ?”

 

   

 

***

 

    He had thought about it for days. He knew it was anything but a good idea, and yet he craved it.

 

    So a week after the Incident, he crawled under his bed to retrieve the Box.

 

    He had wanted to destroy it many times, but he never did. None of his friends knew about its existence - Prongs would have taken it away. He hadn’t touched it in years and it was covered with dust. He smiled tragically as he remembered that for the first year, he had opened it nearly every night.

 

    The Box was a simple brown shoe box, with no decorations. Sirius opened it.

 

    He nearly cried.

 

    The first item he saw was Remus’ tee shirt, the only one he left when he ran away. It was white with a blue inscription reading “I’m sorry for the things I said when I was hungry”, that Sirius had given him for his birthday. He never figured out if Remus had left it on purpose. He put it aside and continued his task.

 

    The next thing to catch his eye was a pencil. Remus had used it to draw a portrait of Sirius, and while he had stated that his art was terrible and that he was unable to actually capture his boyfriend’s beauty, Sirius had loved it so much he stole the pencil for the Box. The portrait had stayed in their bedroom, until Remus took it with him.

 

    Then he found a picture of Remus, asleep on his bed, seeming at peace with himself and the world. It was a rare expression for him, and so Sirius had immortalised it.

 

    Then it was Remus’ eyeliner, which always drove Sirius crazy, but that he so rarely wore.

 

    Then it was a love note he had left in Sirius’ pocket one day.

 

    Then it was a concert ticket to some indie rock band Remus liked.

 

    And then Sirius was crying too much to continue.

 

***

 

    Sirius was standing outside of his favorite pub, on a Friday night, at 4 in the morning. Luckily the night wasn’t too cold, and he had enough phone battery to distract himself. It would go well.

 

    He had calculated that if Remus was working at 10PM, then his shift probably lasted until closing time. Then he only needed to do the cleaning and closing up, and he would be out, and he would see Sirius.

 

    It was hard not to feel like a stalker.

 

    He needed this, he had realized three days ago, as he was still looking in the Box and pretending he was fine. He wasn’t sure what “this” was exactly - looking Remus in the eyes and then walking away, yelling at him and cursing him for leaving, crying and begging him to tell him what he had done wrong… The possibilities were endless. He would figure it out in due time.

 

    Suddenly, he heard the door opening next to him, and then he was face to face with one Remus Lupin.

 

    A thousand thoughts came rushing into his mind. All previous attempts at plans vanished. He took a minute to take in the fact that, after four years, he was seeing Remus again.

 

    The boy didn’t move, didn’t say anything, didn’t try to escape. He stayed where he was, shocked. He seemed thinner than before, his dark brown hair now a bit longer, but apart from these details he looked the same.

 

    “Hi,” said Sirius. He immediately cursed himself. What a terrible opening line.

 

    “H-hey.” Remus blushed and stared at his feet. “I wasn’t sure you were going to come back.”

 

    “I wanted to… talk to you.” This was both true and untrue, but at this point he didn’t care.

 

    “So… is that code for ‘punching me’ or…” He hesitated. “I mean, I definitely deserve it.”

 

    Sirius let out a weak laugh. “You’re good for now.” Both were avoiding each other’s eyes. “I don’t really know what I wanted to say. Did you… Did you never leave the city, or did you come back here recently?”

 

    Remus seemed taken aback by the question. “Er, the later. Peter - a friend of mine - asked me if I wanted to share a flat, and since I knew there were more jobs opportunities here… I accepted.”

 

    “Makes sense, I guess. Where were you living before?”

 

    “With my parents” He tensed. “Listen, I’m not trying to escape this or anything, but I do really need to go. I’m exhausted and I need to get up early tomorrow. But… If you really want to talk - or punch me, or anything - I can give you my number?”

 

    Sirius could only nod. A few moments of awkwardness followed as Remus searched in his bag for a pen and some paper, then when he had to ask Sirius for one, and then needed to use his own knee as a support to finally write down his number.

 

    “Okay, well…” Sirius hesitated. “Goodbye, I suppose?”

 

    “Yeah… Bye.” Remus looked at him one last time, and then he was gone.

 

***

 

    Sirius woke up the next day at one in the afternoon, noticing that he had missed four calls from Marlene and two from Prongs. He frowned. That was pretty unusual. Something must have had happened.

 

    He chose to call the latter first.

 

    “Padfoot! Where the hell were you man, Marlene has been trying to contact you since forever! Apparently you were supposed to meet up this morning and you didn’t come!”

 

    “Wow, chill mate, lower your voice.” Sirius groaned. “I was asleep, you idiot. Look, I’ll call her right now, okay?”

 

    Sirius didn’t wait for an answer before ending the call. He was going to pay for this later, but he wasn’t in the mood for this today. He wasn’t in the mood for _anything_.

 

    “Sirius Motherfucking Black.” Marlene picked up. “You better have a good explanation for this.”

 

    “I was sleeping.” he said, aware that it wasn’t enough of an excuse. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ll make up for it, I swear.”

 

    “You better. See you around.”

 

    She was definitely still very pissed. Sirius sighed. He loved Marlene. She had been his friend for a long time, and the transition to a relationship had been difficult to say the least. They both had a bit of a temper and difficulties talking about their feelings, which lead to many arguments.

 

    He prepared himself a cup of tea and ate a bit before staring at his phone again. He had Remus’ number saved. He could text him, or call him, and tell him everything he wanted, if he only knew what he wanted to say.

 

    He spent half an hour typing and erasing drafts of messages, before finally settling on:

 

    **available tomorrow at 12 for lunch?**

 

    Without waiting for a reply, he sent the address of an French place he liked and threw his phone on the couch. He decided to spend the rest of the day eating pizza while watching Netflix.

 

***

 

    Sirius had arrived thirty minutes early. He wasn’t sure if Remus would come. If their roles had been reversed, he would have been terrified. But of course, if their roles had been reversed, he would know why he had left.

 

    Remus came five minutes late.

 

    “I’m really sorry!” He seemed truly panicked. “I had a problem at home. A problem with Peter. I hope you weren’t waiting too long?”

 

    “You’re only five minutes late. Sit down.” Sirius couldn’t help the hardness in his tone.

 

    They ordered and received a glass of wine, before settling into an uncomfortable silence. Remus was playing with the buttons of his shirt - _just like he used to_ , Sirius thought - and seemed to expect the other man to open the conversation.

 

    “So… What have you been up to, for these four years ?”

 

    Remus was caught off-guard by the almost casual small talk. “It’s a bit complicated. I started working as an editor.”

 

    “Seriously?” Sirius almost spilled his wine. “That was one of your dreams!” He remembered the quiet evenings when Remus read and once in awhile, pointed out a flaw in his books and explained what he would have advised instead.

 

    “It’s all thanks to Peter, really. He worked there before me and put in a good word for me.”

 

    “Wow. Well I guess things are really looking up for you.”

 

    Remus smiled like he knew something Sirius didn’t - which was in fact true. “You could say so, I suppose. How about you?”

 

    “Same old, same old. Still at the same mechanics shop. I got promoted.” He desperately tried to think of something to show Remus that he too, had a fulfilling life. “I have a girlfriend, actually. We were friends for a while, and then we started dating. It’s going pretty well.”

 

    “That’s good,” Remus said,sounding like he had been forced to swallow a lemon.

 

    Their food arrived, and there was a long silence as they tasted their food. Remus looked amazed by his soup.

 

    “God, I haven’t eaten anything like that in literally years.”

 

    “Really? Not able to pay for a restaurant once in awhile, with your editor pay?”

 

    “First of all, this is a recent job and I’m not getting paid much yet. And I have… other expenses.”

 

    He looked down at his food, apparently not keen on continuing the discussion. Sirius briefly considered asking more, just to make him a bit more uncomfortable, but pushed the thought away.

 

    “How are James and Lily?” Remus seemed unsure as to whether he should have asked. Sirius didn’t know either.

 

    “They’re really good. Finally tied the knot. Lily’s pregnant,” he said, and Remus’ reaction was somewhat unexpected. His grip on his drink suddenly tightened and the poor glass shattered into thousands of pieces, the wine spilling all over the table and his white shirt.

 

    Remus’ face turned a violent red. “I’m so sorry! Here, don’t touch it, let me…”

 

    The waiter ran to their table and in a few minutes they were sorted, Remus still apologizing to everyone who would listen to him and promising to pay for it.

 

    “You didn’t hurt your hand, did you ?” Sirius asked.

 

    “Um,” he looked down at his arm. “Oh, I did.” There was a small cut in the middle of his palm.

 

    “Of course you would need someone else to point it out to you,” Sirius laughed. “Remember when you almost didn’t notice for three months that your binder was too tight and left bruises all over your ribs?”

 

    He laughed, remembering that awkward conversation. And then he froze. Because he was actually laughing at something he remembered about Remus, in front of Remus, when he was supposed to be mad at Remus.

 

    He mumbled an apology and left, dropping enough to pay for both of them on the table.

 

***

 

    Sirius waited three days before texting Remus again, finding it oddly comforting to follow the old traditional dating advice. Not that Remus and he were dating. Not anymore.

 

    The day before their meeting, Sirius was at Prongs and Lily’s. They were chatting on the couch while eating take-away Chinese, watching a Food Network show on TV, Lily ranting about her asshole boss.

 

    “I really can’t wait to be on maternity leave,” she said as she swallowed her noodles.

 

    “I don’t know,” Sirius argued. “I heard pregnancy can become pretty annoying at some point.”

 

    “Fuck off, idiot. At least I won’t have any morning sickness anymore. That will be a fucking relief.”

 

    James grinned. “Did she tell you that she accidently threw up on a coworker’s shoes on Monday? Guy was wearing too much low quality perfume…”

 

    Lily punctuated the end of her husband’s sentence by smashing his head with a pillow. Sirius smiled. It felt good to finally have a relaxed evening with friends - something that hadn’t happened since the beginning of this whole Remus mess.

 

    That was the moment his phone chose to buzz loudly.

 

    James leaned in to grab it and pass it to Sirius, when he accidently looked at the words the screen displayed and froze.

 

    “Sirius… Is that a fucking text from _Remus_ of all people ?”

 

    Lily jumped and took the phone. “Oh my god. Sirius for the love of God tell me this is another guy who happens to have the same name as him.”

 

    Sirius gritted his teeth, immediately defensive. “Give me back my fucking phone. You have no right to sneak into it.”

 

    “Don’t turn this into a bloody privacy problem!” Lily yelled. “Sirius, did you start talking to him again? I thought we talked about this, I thought you were determined to avoid him! Did you forget how much that asshole hurt you?”

 

    “I remember perfectly, thank you very much!” Sirius shouted just as loud. “I’m the one who cried for five days straight! But guess what? I’m a motherfucking adult and I don’t need you to monitor my decisions!”

 

    “Both of you, shut the hell up!” James said angrily. “Lily, calm down and hand Sirius his phone. Sirius, sit down and explain to us what is going on.”

 

    Both obeyed, still clearly pissed off. James turned off the TV and sat in front of them.

 

    “Now, Sirius. Story time.”

 

    “Alright,” he said. “I don’t exactly know what you want me to say. I went to see him at the pub, and now we’re sorta trying to speak to each other again.”

 

    “And how is that working out?”

 

    “Badly. Last time we saw each other I ran away when I started actually thinking of him as a human person.”

 

    Lily snickered. “I would have punched him.”

 

    “I wanted to. I still do. But… I also kinda want to know what happened, you know?”

 

    James’s expression softened. “What do you think happened, mate?”

 

    “I don’t know. You know how he was, back then. His depression was at its worst, he had days where he wouldn’t leave our bed… Maybe he just felt too terrible and wanted to… I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t really know.”

 

    Silence followed. Finally, Lily came closer to him and wrapped an arm around him. “Love, don’t you think that it might make it worse though, talking to him ? You had managed to move on, with Marlene…”

 

    “Marlene and I aren’t working and it won’t last,” and Sirius realized he had always known that. “How am I ever supposed to get over it when your boyfriend of three years leaves you with no explanation ? I need closure, Lily. I need to know.”

 

    “And did you ask him?”

 

    He sighed. “Not yet.”

 

    “You can do it, love,” Lily dropped a kiss on his forehead. “You are strong enough. And we’re here to support you through and through.”

 

    Sirius smiled and felt that yes, maybe, if his friends were here, he could get this over with.

 

***

 

    The next day, Sirius and Remus met at a park, in front of a duck pond.

 

    “How are you?” Sirius asked, visibly nervous.

 

    “Okay,” he answered. “You?”

 

    “Fine.” He took a breathe. “Listen, you knew this was coming. I have to… I have to ask. It will drive me crazy if I don’t.” Remus probably understood already, but Sirius wanted to say the words. “Why did you leave?”

 

    Remus focused his gaze on the pond. “I’m not sure you really want to know.”

 

    “I know what I want, Remus.” Why did everyone insist on keeping him away from the truth? “Tell me.”

 

    “Fine. I can. But… It’s not something easy to say, alright? So please don’t interrupt me.” Sirius nodded. Remus was still looking away. “You know how terrible I felt back then. My depression was going really strong. One day I went to work and I saw that we had a new employee. His name was Caradoc. We started talking, and for some reason I felt a bit… better when I was with him. Thought I was in love. I know how ridiculous it all sounds. But he was interested too and… Well, I didn’t cheat on you, if you’re wondering. I couldn’t face you though, so I thought it would be easier to just leave. It was a terrible decision, and I acted like an asshole. I know it and I’m sorry. We broke up, six months after that, and I went back to my parents’. I’ve been feeling better now.” He paused and finally looked at the other man, and Sirius realized he had tears in his eyes. “It was incredibly shitty of me, and I don’t think I can ever apologize enough for what I did.”

 

    Sirius didn’t know what to say. He felt very strange. The words Remus said ringed funny in his ears, like they weren’t really supposed to be heard.

 

    “Maybe I should go home,” he whispered. Remus nodded. As they both stood up, Sirius picked up Remus’ bag and gave it to him. The man thanked him with a weak smile, and then he was on his way.

 

***

 

    “Sirius Black, you did what?” James said, his eyes widening in shock.

 

    They were both having coffee in Sirius’ kitchen after James chimed in demanding a complete retelling of yesterday’s events.

 

    “I made a stupid decision, I know. But it’s too late to change it.”

 

    “What happened? Tell me.”

 

    He sighed. “Alright,” he said. “He told me why he left me, four years ago. And then I stole his planner from his bag.”

 

    “Okay,” James said slowly, like he was speaking to a child. “And why did you do that?”

 

    “Because he was lying to me! He told me he left me because he fell for some bloke from work, but I know that’s a lie! I met the guy once and he was absolutely straight and as attractive as pineapple on pizza! Remus isn’t telling me the truth and I need to know, I need to know, James.” He was nearly crying by the end of his tirade.

 

    James looked at him with compassion. “Sirius, I know it hurts, but don’t you think you’re a bit… biased on the matter?”

 

    “Don’t insult me, Potter. I would be terribly jealous if it turned out that he had left me for someone else, but I can still see when someone’s lying. Remus didn’t fall for someone else, so it means he left me for some reason he still can’t tell me after all this time.” He sobbed.

 

    Two weeks ago, when he had seen Remus at the pub, he had felt as though his world was crashing down. Now that he and Remus had retrieved some sort of friendliness, or at least were back on speaking terms, somehow the betrayal felt worse. It hurt even more, he thought, because he should have expected this.

 

    “So what now?” James asked. “You have his planner, what are you gonna do with it?”

 

    “There’s his address on the first page. I’ll go there and tell him he forgot it at the park. Maybe if I go there I can discover… something. I don’t really know.”

 

    “Mate, no offense, but that seems a bit stalkerish.” James frowned. “I’m not gonna stop you from doing it, because I know I can’t and that you might need it, but think about it. Do you really wanna get this low for him?”

 

    Sirius, unfortunately, already knew the answer.

 

***

 

    When the door of the flat opened, it wasn’t Remus who stood behind it but a man about the same age, with blond hair and a big neon yellow sweater.

 

    “Hi,” Sirius said, “I’m looking for Remus Lupin? Does he live here?”

 

    The man nodded. “Sure he does. He’s at an extra meeting for work right now, though. And who are you?”

 

    “I’m a friend of his. I’m here because he forgot his planner last time we saw each other ? I wanted to return it.” The man seemed to be fooled easily, even though Sirius could hear the uncertainty in his own voice.

 

    “Ah, cheers. I’m Peter by the way, Remus’ flatmate. Wanna come in?”

 

    Peter took the planner and let Sirius inside. The door opened into a small living room where both the table and couch were covered in laundry, and a bunch of stuff had been hastily thrown into a big cardboard box. There were pictures on the wall, but Sirius didn’t stop to look at them. Instead he followed the smaller man to the kitchen, which was somehow even smaller.

 

    “Tea?” Peter asked.

 

    “Please. So how did you meet Remus ? He told me you were friends.”

 

    “Ah, well, we lived in the same city and my parents hired him to do the cleaning. We started chatting and got along pretty well. Told me about him wanting to move out, and when I got the opportunity to come here, I asked him.”

 

    As Peter seemed ready to start another story about their flat sharing situation, a high pitched, sleepy voice came from the door. “Uncle Peter? Can I ‘ave som’milk please?”

 

    Sirius turned around, and came to face with a child, around 4 years old, who was rubbing his eyes and hugging a stuffed dog. He had tight curls like Remus, but his were darker, whereas his skin was a lighter shade of brown. Peter immediately jumped to the fridge to get the bottle.

 

    “Had a good nap, bunny? Are you hungry?”

 

    Sirius was frozen, staring at the boy. It was impossible to deny he was related to Remus, but how? He was too young to be a brother, and Remus had no siblings to give him a nephew.

 

    “And who is this big boy?” he asked in his most child-friendly voice, which would have made James roll on the floor laughing.

 

    “What, you don’t know Teddy?” Peter seemed confused. “How long have you two been friends?”

 

    “We met recently,” he lied. “Is he a distant cousin or something?”

 

    “Teddy is Remus’ son. Seriously, how did you not know?”

 

    “The fuck…” but he was interrupted by a loud shrieking.

 

    “You said a bad word! Papá is going to be mad at you!” The child’s eyes were wide open in shock.

 

“We have a strict no swearing policy at home that Remus is always the first one to break.” Peter said while finishing to prepare a sippy cup full of hot chocolate.

 

“Wait, I thought Remus was single? When did a kid happen?” Sirius couldn’t think, didn’t want to think.

  
  


“Here you go, Teddy,” Peter gave him his cup. “Will you go and play in the living room for a minute?” Once the kid was gone, he turned to Sirius. “Weird story, actually. He was in a relationship with this dude - probably an asshole if you ask me - and he got accidentally pregnant. Then he decided that fuck everything, he was going to keep it and raise him alone. He’s doing pretty well, all things considered.”

 

There were no words for how Sirius felt at that moment. His whole world was crashing down. The timeline left no room for doubt. The kid had to be his. He had a kid. He had a kid, and he didn’t know until now.

 

This was precisely the moment Remus chose to open the front door.

 

***

 

They were facing each other, arms crossed, standing in the corridor outside of the flat. The tension was so thick you could cut through it with a knife.

 

“So…” Sirius hesitated. “I assume this means you were lying about Caradoc.”

 

Remus’ brows furrowed. “That’s the first thing you have to say?”

 

“Fucking hell, Remus, I have a shit ton of stuff to say, but I haven’t exactly had time to prepare.”

 

He sighed. “Yes, it was a lie.”

 

“And why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

 

“I didn’t know how to. And I was scared of your reaction.” He began to shift uncomfortably.

 

“So what happened? Your roommate told me you just found out and decided to left your ‘asshole’ boyfriend. Did you tell him I throw you out when I learnt ? Because he seemed to believe I was the one in the wrong.” His voice was emotionless.

 

Remus sighed. “Ignore Peter. I told him the truth, but he has… opinions.”

 

“Alright,” Sirius would have asked more, but he wanted to get to the core of the subject. “What. Happened.”

 

“What do you mean ‘what happened’? I forgot my pill. We had sex. I got pregnant. Discovered I actually wanted to keep the baby. Remembered you didn’t want any. Left.”

 

“What, you just left?” Sirius’ anger was rising up. “You made that decision for me? You didn’t even considered telling me the truth at all?”

 

“Please don’t get mad…” he said, but he was cut off.

 

“Shit Remus, I’ll get as mad as I wan ! I have a sodding kid and I never knew! I think that’s a pretty good reason to get angry!”

 

“You don’t have a kid, Sirius, I did everything I could so you wouldn’t have a kid!” He shouted suddenly. Sirius had visibly hit a nerve.

 

Peter suddenly opened the door of the flat, looking distressed. “Okay, I know this is an important moment for both of you, sorry, but Teddy is right there and we do  _ not _ want him to hear all of this.”

 

Remus paled. “Did he…”

 

“No, he didn’t understand.” He smiled apologetically and closed the door again. Remus rubbed his face, visibly tired.

 

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I know it was cruel to leave you in the dark for all this time. But I was so panicked. I was  _ pregnant _ . And you knew you didn’t want a baby, and yet if I had told you I wanted to keep it you would have made the  _ grand  _ and _ chivalrous  _ choice of raising him with me and… I felt so terrible, I thought it would ruin your life. So I ran away. I thought it would be easier for everyone.”

 

“Well that,” Sirius laughed bitterly, “is the stupidest decision you ever made.”

 

“I’m not here to discuss what I should have done instead, Sirius. I had plenty of people already doing that for me.” He gazed defiantly at Sirius. It was clear that while he was apologizing, he didn’t regret his decision in the slightest.

 

Sirius felt something rise in his stomach. How could Remus dare to run away like he did, break his heart, take a decision away from him and not even see how that was wrong. Sirius wanted to yell at him, to make him feel as terrible as he had felt for four years.

 

But he didn’t. Instead, he simply looked at Remus one last time, and left.

 

***

 

    Sirius Black was lying on his bed, with the lights out and the curtains closed. He had been in this position for several hours, and fully intended to tell any person who would criticize that decision to shut the fuck up because Sirius Black had a child and he never knew it.

 

    He felt empty. In the anger of the moment, he hadn’t been able to fully grasp everything that had been thrown at him, and it only just hit him that the child that had walked in the kitchen had half his DNA and was his own biological son.

 

    The words felt foreign.

 

    He never thought he would have a child. He would be the eternal “cool uncle” to James and Lily’s babies, he would teach them how to ride a motorcycle and how to wear makeup, he would have gotten all the fun and no responsibilities at all. And now he had learned that for all this time, he had a child.

 

    He didn’t think he would ever get used to the idea.

 

    He wondered if, perhaps, when they had been older, he would have been happy to learn that Remus was pregnant - if Remus had done the sensitive, logical thing and told him face to face. But that was a stupid thought. He didn’t want babies, or to be a father. At all. Never had, never would.

 

    Maybe that was why Remus had ran away.

 

    He had thought about Peter’s words a lot. The man had accused him of being an asshole, despite never knowing him. What were these “opinions”  Remus had mentioned? How could anyone see him as the bad guy? Sirius refused to think about it. He had behaved perfectly, and it was Remus who was in the wrong. While Sirius didn’t often use black-and-white judgements, they were justified in this case.

 

    It really was quite unfair that Remus ran away, stealing a baby and breaking a heart, and then was rewarded with a perfect family and a happy life, while Sirius was still miserable because of him.

 

    He really hated this man.

 

***

 

    Marlene was playing with the edge of her glass, her head resting on her hand. They were at the same pub where it had all started, and the tension was obvious.

 

    “So,” she said, “it’s nice to see you finally came out of your room.”

 

    “I was busy,” he said through gritted teeth. None of his friends knew what he had learned, and he intended to keep it that way.

 

    “Sure.” She looked surprisingly calm. “Do you know why I asked you to come here, Sirius?”

 

    He didn’t answer. She sighed. “Sirius, I think we should break up.”

 

    This surprised him more than it should have. Even a blind man could see their relationship was a mistake, yet Sirius still clung to it.

 

    “Honestly, I don’t even know why we got together in the first place. We work as friends, but a couple? It’s making both of us miserable.” She looked at him, a note of apprehension of her face. “And also… I realized I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend. And that I am not in love with you. So it isn’t right, you know?”

 

    Sirius refused to admit that he understood full well how she felt. Instead, he tried to fake a laugh. “Well I don’t blame you. I’ve been a shitty boyfriend.”

 

    She pretended to be amused, then smiled. “Shall we hug this out?”

 

    Without waiting for an answer, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he instinctively did the same. He could smell her vanilla perfume. It was somehow comforting.

 

    “Hey,” she whispered, “you’re an amazing friend and I really love you, okay? You deserve a great relationship that will truly fulfill you. You deserve whatever you want.”

 

    They both pretended he wasn’t crying.

 

***

 

    It had been a week since his conversation with Remus.

 

    He was in the local library, surrounded by open books and pages of notes. If anyone should ask, he would say he was preparing for his godfather duties. If anyone should ask for the truth, he would say that it was none of their business what he was doing and that they should fuck themselves with a chainsaw.

 

    Hopefully, no one asked.

 

    He had looked over three books about raising young infants, two about pregnancies, and was currently trying to study something about family budgeting. While they were clearly meant for heterosexual nuclear families, they had a large amount of information about how to take care of children, and what young parents went through.

 

    All of them mentioned at least twice the importance of working with your spouse and having a solid relationship.

 

    The urge to check out all these books had come that morning, as he was curled up in his bed, his thoughts looping around Remus Lupin. He wanted to know more about what exactly he had missed during these four years, and how he would have lived if Remus had just told him the truth. Would they have decided to get an abortion? Would they have given the baby up for adoption? Or was Remus right, would he have done the noble thing and agreed to raise it? That seemed unlikely.

 

Was it doomed, Sirius thought, to end this way? Would Sirius have refused the baby, and would Remus, being the stubborn bastard that he was, have left anyway? They were no answers.

 

As he read through _Feeding your Baby, from Birth to First Birthday_ , Sirius wondered how Remus had raised the child. Did he know he was supposed to feed a 6 month old pureed meat for protein? Had he carefully tested every milk bottle to get the perfect temperature? Had he tried to make dinosaur-shaped vegetables to make them look more appealing? What bedtime stories did he read? Did he cry on the first day of preschool? Had he loved the child unconditionally, with no cruel words or punishments?

 

Had he ever wished Sirius was there for all of this?

 

    For the first time, in between the fires of his anger, he started to understood how difficult these four years must have been for Remus.

 

***

 

    He found himself knocking on Remus’ door the next day, at 7pm, with no idea whatsoever of why he was doing this, or what exactly it was that he was doing.

 

    Once again, it was Peter who opened the door. He glared at the man with a mixture of surprise and mistrust. “And what brings you here, exactly?”

 

    Sirius was about to explain, when he felt something collide against his legs. When he looked down, he saw the child clinging to him with a wide smile.

   

    “¿Eres amigo de mi papà? ¿Vas a leerme una historia?”

 

    Before he could ask Peter for a translation - languages weren’t his forte - another voice came from the living room: “Cariño, por favor no molestes a - Oh.” Remus froze and stared at Sirius, unsure of what to do.

 

“Hi,” he said. “Can I please come in?” Remus nodded and the kid ran to his father, releasing Sirius’ legs and allowing him to walk into the room. Peter looked displeased.

Sirius looked around. The flat was even messier than last time: baby toys were scattered all over the floor, the pile of laundry had grown, and there were dirty plates on the table. He realized most of the pictures on the wall were of the kid, either surrounded by family or playing around. He recognized Mr. and Mrs. Lupin in one of them, both smiling brightly and waving at the camera.

“So,” Peter said drily, “What did you want to see him for?”

Sirius turned around, annoyed and eager to tell the man to mind his own business. Remus sighed. “Peter, can you please, please, go to your sister’s for the night? I think we need to be alone for this.”

Peter looked like he might protest, but in the end he just shrugged, stuffed a shirt and boxers into a bag, and left, slamming the door.

The boy picked a doll on the floor and turned to Sirius again. “ ¿Quieres jugar conmigo? ”

 

Remus picked him up and smiled. “Sirius doesn’t speak like Grandma and Grandpa, cariño. You have to speak English with him, okay?”

 

He nodded fervently. “O-okay. I speak like Uncle Peter.” Remus laughed softly and booped his nose.

 

“Good job, boy. Now, what do we have to do tonight?”

 

“Bath!” he exclaimed, excited. “I wanna play with bath duck!”

 

Remus turned around and smiled apologetically at Sirius. “Listen, I’m sorry but this is a bit of a bad time. It’s Teddy’s bedtime and that’s gonna take a while. Do you wanna take a walk and come back when he’s asleep?”

 

Sirius was about to accept, when an idea came to his mind. “Or, maybe I can stay with you and help you with… bedtime things?”

 

Remus seemed surprised. The kid, however, was more enthusiastic. “Yes please!”

 

The look on Remus’ face was proof he was defeated.

 

***

 

Giving a bath was way harder than Sirius thought it would be. The child seemed very happy to be getting attention from someone, and couldn’t stop talking in a mixture of Spanish and English, excitedly moving his arms and splashing the two men.

 

“And I go to school and we do drawings and I draw Papá and I can draw you too! Teacher said I draw muy muy bien!”

 

Sirius, who had no idea how to hold a conversation with a four year old, nodded with a smile. “You draw a lot?”

 

As the kid began another bilingual rant, Remus tried to get him to stay still enough for the shampoo. As soon as it touched his head, however, the child began to scream. “It’s getting in my eyes! It’s getting in my eyes!”

 

“It’s not getting in your eyes, cariño, it barely touched your forehead. Sirius, can you please hand me the small green towel?”

 

Startled by the sudden attention - Remus had barely addressed him since the whole shower business started - Sirius needed a minute to find said towel. He passed it to Remus who held it to the kid’s eyes. “Here, no shampoo can touch your eyes now.”

 

After ten more minutes of struggling with the shampoo and the shower head, the boy was clean and wrapped in a warm towel. The three of them headed to a small room on the other side of the living room.

 

The room had warm yellow walls, that were mainly covered in child drawings. There was very little furnitures: a twin bed, a nightstand, a too small wardrobe and a child sized mattress. The room was definitely too small for two people.

 

    The young child grabbed Sirius’ hand and pleaded: “Can you read me my be’time story pleaaase?”

 

    Taken off guard, Sirius could only nod. As Remus forced the boy into some pajamas, Sirius looked at the books piled next to the smaller bed. Most of them were fairy tales, though he spotted several printed vintage comics of Wonder Woman. He ended up selecting a small illustrated book that seemed to be about witchcraft and wizardry.

 

    The kid and Remus both looked expectantly at Sirius, and he felt a nervous knot somewhere in his stomach. Then, he started reading. Somehow, it all came easily to him. He had fun doing different voices for all the characters, and asking the child what he thought was going to happen next, and showing him all the funny details in the illustration. At the end of the book, they were all laughing.

 

    “Okay, Teddy,” Remus said fondly, “time to calm down and sleep. You’re going to have beautiful dreams tonight, okay?” The kid nodded fervently, and something warm spread in Sirius’ heart.

 

    And then Remus started to sing. It was a soft lullaby, and from the little Spanish he had picked up when he was dating Remus, he could tell it was about love, and the moon and stars. He smiled.

 

As the kid drifted up to sleep, Sirius took some time to observe his features again. There was no doubt he was Remus’: they shared the same hair and round nose, and even in their movements they were alike. But he had also inherited of a lot of Sirius’ traits. His eyes were grey and narrow, his lips very thin, and you could guess they would one day share the same strong jawline. Teddy really was his child, he realized.

 

    After a few minutes, Remus kissed his cheek and got up, smiling at Sirius. He pointed to the door, and they both retreated to the living room, leaving Teddy to sleep.

 

    Remus ran his hand through his hair. “Want some tea?” Sirius nodded and Remus filled the kettle. There was a new tension in his shoulders, and Sirius could see him biting his lip.

 

    “So,” Remus asked. “I guess you had things to say?”

 

    “Well, I wanted to talk to you. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves and assume I have things to say.” Remus laughed quietly. Sirius took it as a sign to keep going. “I just… started to imagine what you must have felt all these years, alone, and with Teddy.”

 

    Remus cut him. “I wasn’t exactly alone. I had my parents. And lately, Peter.”

 

    “Right, sorry. Still… It must have been hard. I kind of realized that I couldn’t eternally blame you for not telling me, without trying to understand why you didn’t. And… I really wanna know your side of the story. The real one, not some made up bullshit about your straight coworkers.”

 

    Remus snickered. “Where should I start? I already explained why I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to ruin your life. Wanna know what happened after I left?” Sirius nodded.

 

“I went to my parents and told them everything that happened. I was a mess, honestly. I told them I was going to raise him, and they said they would support me. It was probably the dumbest thing I ever did. 22, unemployed, depressive and alone? Who the hell has kids under those conditions? But I wanted to, I really did. And I have never, ever, regretted it. My parents helped a lot. They let me live at their place, paid for medical expenses, bought a ton of baby stuff… I repaid them as much as I could. My dad was a bit upset, I think. He probably thought I should have gotten an abortion, or forced you to financially support me. He didn’t say anything though - Ma probably forbad him to.” Remus paused to pour the tea. “Anyway, they stayed with me when I gave birth and then they babysat him when I started working again. Then Peter told me his editing firm was hiring, and I applied and somehow got the job. I moved in with him immediately after, three months ago. I started taking shifts at the pub ‘cause I can’t let Ma pay for all of his clothes.” The Lupins never had much money, Sirius remembered, yet they were always eager to give it away for a greater cause.

 

“And…” Sirius hesitated. “How is he dealing with all that?”

 

“He misses his Abuelito and Abuelita, but he loves his Uncle Pete to pieces, so it all evens out in the end.”

 

    “I meant with… the fact that he doesn’t have a conventional family?”

 

    “I know that’s what you meant.” He tensed again. “He doesn’t _seem_ to care. I asked his teacher to warn me before any lesson or exercise about family where he might feel left out, and they do their best. He finds it curious that his own family isn’t like most people’s, but he isn’t too bothered. Besides, it’s 2017, nuclear families aren’t as much of a thing as when we were kids.”

 

    Sirius tried to ask the question that burned through his tongue. “And did he ever… ask about me?”

 

    Remus didn’t answer immediately, busying himself with the tea. He finally handed Sirius his cup, avoiding his eyes, and muttered: “Sometimes. I usually avoid the question. I planned on giving him a thorough explanation when he was around eight, or something. That wasn’t a moment I was looking forward to.”

 

    Sirius sipped his tea, trying to find more questions to ask. “I’m happy you had people to help you. I’m sorry I wasn’t one of them.”

 

    “Not your fault,” he shrugged.

 

    “Never said it was. I’m sorry anyway.”

 

    They both sat in silence for a while, lost in their thoughts. Sirius looked at their fridge, where a big picture of Teddy was taped to the door. He seemed a bit younger and had bat makeup around his eyes. His hair was dyed blue. It was probably from last Halloween.

 

    “Like the photos?” Remus headed to the door. “Wait a second.”

 

    He came back with a big dark photo album in his hand. He opened it on the table so they could both see. “Here, this one starts with the pregnancy, and ends when Teddy is around two. You should enjoy them.” He made a motion to start at the middle of the book, but Sirius caught his wrist and opened to the first page. He wanted to see everything.

 

    The first ones showed Remus and his mother together around the house. It must had been very early stage, because Remus’ stomach was as flat at it had always been. However, on the next pictures, Sirius noticed that he had become more chubby, and that he had stopped binding. Three more pictures followed of Remus and his parents laughing together, and four of the clinic where Remus must have had his doctor appointments.

 

    “Wow, you really have tons of them,” Sirius joked.

 

“Well,” he laughed, “you know my dad, he had to take pictures of everything. It’s a miracle there isn’t one of me crying in front of a commercial because of the hormone imbalance. “

 

    “Did you feel comfortable ? With the photos ?” While Sirius knew Remus wasn’t often dysphoric, he knew he had his moments. A pregnancy couldn’t have been easy.

 

    “At first it bothered me. But in between all the cissexism against pregnant people and the almost constant misgendering, I realized it was good to have pictures of good moments. There, here’s one of when the baby bump became visible.”

 

    Sirius looked at the picture he was pointing. Remus was showing his profile, his hands resting on his stomach which was indeed starting to show signs of a pregnancy. His face was lighted up by his hide smile. Sirius’ heart sank. Somehow, he felt nostalgic for this moment he hadn’t lived.

 

    “Can I see the ones of Teddy?”

 

    They spent two hours looking at all the pictures, the atmosphere between them relaxing. Remus shared some anecdotes about the story these pictures told, like how Teddy had refused to eat any meat for two days after learning what it was - his love of chicken finally defeating his determination.

 

    When they reached the last picture, Remus’ eyes were sparkling and he couldn’t stop giggling at his own memories. Sirius thought he was the most beautiful man in the world.

 

    “Can I -” he stuttered, “Can I kiss you?”

 

    Remus didn’t seem to hesitate as he brought their lips together.

 

    It started off slow, both overwhelmed with memories of four years ago, but soon tongues got involved and their hands started touching their faces, their hair, their arms, hungry for physical closeness.

 

    As Sirius felt his urge growing, he parted their kiss and asked: “Can we… do you want to…”

 

    Remus seemed to understand, and whispered: “We can’t really use my bed… But I guess I can just wash Peter’s sheets…”

 

    Soon, they were both falling onto the big mattress, their limbs intertwined, trying not to break the hungry kiss. They both lasted embarrassingly short, but they didn’t care. A million thoughts went into each touch - messages of frustration, of forgiveness, of desire, and, perhaps, of love. Afterward, they lie still in each other’s arms, still silent but both comfortable and happy. Remus soon drifted off to sleep, and Sirius was perfectly content to just watch him and stay close to him.

 

***

 

    Remus woke him up early by shaking his shoulders. “Come on, Sirius, Teddy is going to wake up soon and I don’t really want him to walk in on us cuddling naked. I’m not ready to give him the Talk yet.”

 

    Sirius tried to ignore his resentment at being woken up, and began putting his pants on. Five minutes later, they were both in the kitchen, eating some toast. Remus came back from his room, perplexed.

 

    “Looks like he’s not any closer to waking up. You must have really tired him out last night, what with all your cool wizarding stories. I suppose I have to apologize for needlessly waking you up. I know you love your sleep.”

 

    They both smiled at the reminder of their past days, which gave Sirius the courage to bring up a touchy subject.

 

    ‘Remus? I started thinking last night, after you fell asleep. About where we were going to go from here. Have you thought about it?”

 

    Remus shook his head ‘no’, visibly wary.

 

    “Well, I have. And… I think I actually still… like you in a romantic way.” This had come as a surprise for him. He was demiromantic, and thought his feelings for Remus would have disappeared because of the separation. “And I’m really fond of Teddy, even if I don’t know him that well yet. I think he’s the cutest kid I’ve ever met, and not only because he has my natural charm. So what I really want, is to try and get another shot at… this. At the three of us.”

 

Before Remus could answer, he added, “Obviously nothing is going to happen if you don’t agree. You know Teddy best, you know what’s the best for him - and for yourself. But… I think we’d be a great team.”

 

    Remus frowned. “You said that you didn’t want children, Sirius.” His tone was almost reproachful.

 

“Yes, I _didn't_ want children, past tense. But… It wasn’t that I disliked them. Mainly I think I was afraid that I would turn out like my parents.” He paused. “Watching you take care of Teddy, it made me realize things. I want to be a part of this family. And I love him too much, already, to be like my parents were. I want Teddy to be my son.”

 

    Remus was watching him with caution. “This isn’t some light commitment, Sirius. Teddy is a sensitive kid, he will be affected by everything you do.”

 

    “I know! I’ve thought this through.” Sirius was a little annoyed that Remus treated him like he was still a teenager.

 

    “You ‘thought this through’?” He sighed. “You’ve known him for less than a day, Sirius. I’m sorry, I’m not saying no, I just… I just want him to be safe. If you really want to be his father, and maybe give the two of us a chance again… We’ll have to take it slowly and carefully, you know?”

 

    “I know. I’m not saying we rush into it.” He stepped closer to Remus and gently put his hand on Remus’ cheek. “Please, let me love the both of you.”

 

    Remus seemed to battle his own feelings for a while, before he finally made eye contact again and held Sirius’ hand. “We can try. But the priority is and will always be how Teddy feels about all of it, understood?” When Sirius nodded, he broke into a grin and went to kiss him again.

 

    “God, Remus,” Sirius whispered, holding him by the waist, “we are going to be the happiest family in the world.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are my life and soul and muse, so don't be shy !


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